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ArtificialFleshling

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ArtificialFleshling

'So where'd you go, anyway?'

4 min read
So, a thing you might not know about your favorite fat outer space cyborg is that I have a bad brain and a tendency to ride it like it's stolen.  I'm anxious, autistic, have a tendency to overextend myself, and am profoundly uncomfortable with emotional intimacy because I have Issues(tm).

That's thing one.

Thing two is that as a consequence of anxiety and autism, it is very difficult for me to feel secure in a community once I decide I'm a part of it because I'm always bracing for something to come, but I'm almost always bracing for the WRONG something to come because autism means it's difficult to read the room.  Not impossible: just difficult.

Thing three is that my computer is made of decent-for-the-time parts that were all on the low end and, apparently, prone to failure.

Thing four is that until recently I was working two jobs.  So that made everything just pile on without a lot of time to decompress.

Five was messing around with Daz Studio and finding out that for all it's a LOT different than XPS or Blender, it's cool to be able to just DO some things.  Taught me a few different things that I can use in Blender sometime.  So that's nice.  Also, you know.  Expensive.  But, hey, two jobs meant a little more disposable income.  Retail therapy.  Unhealthy, I know.

Thing six is I tried dating in a more active sense and considering what-all I just said about anxiety, lack of time, and difficulty reading social cues... Well.  Yeah.

So, okay.  All those things came together around the same time. 

There were a bunch of deeply unpleasant (to me, anyway) discussions in with the XPS people about what members of the community owe one another with regard to artistic integrity, credit, and how we use other people's work (derived from other people's work) surrounding someone porting a Kairi Kingdom Hearts model and saying they don't want it used for porn and people having shitty (imho) reactions to that.

As my credits and meshmod bibliography will show, I care a LOT about artistic credit.  If people say "don't use X for Y", I don't use X for Y.  It's not a "can" thing, it's a "should" thing.  Of course, I think I was right, but if you disagree... honestly, I don't give a shit at this point.

I was gonna take a break right then because I needed to decompress from a bunch of people getting aggro about how much they don't like the idea of a social contract.  Or maybe I was aggro in their direction?  It's all a bunch of memories of (figuratively) screaming at my computer because that's easier than trying to have a reasonable work schedule or prioritizing things properly.

Then the hard drive with ~90% of my XPS stuff and Blender files died.  Tried to recover the files, but everything I tried didn't, you know, WORK.

After a couple weeks, I just said fuck it and between being annoyed at some parts of the community and having some building anxiety, everything just fell away for a while and I just didn't want to talk about any of it or deal with it or log in because everything was just loaded and fraught.

Add into that some short, intense relationships with some people who were cool and a couple who really, really weren't, which only increased some of those intense emotion-y things.

Anyway.  People are complicated and difficult, including me.  Looking forward to getting back into XPS/Blender-ing because it's more MINE than any of the Daz stuff.  Even though I like my Daz stuff.

I'll never be great at any of it but it's nice.

Anyway.  Back on my bullshit, doing OC stuff, maybe see if I can be more friendly and not flip out this time around.  Try to take what I'm learning from Daz to make better stuff via the old Blendo and my busted old free copy of PhotoShop from when they gave it out a few years back.
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ArtificialFleshling

Timing. Fate?

1 min read
Huh.

New version of XNA/XPS drops around the time I start thinking about getting back on my bullshit.

DAZ is fun and all, but sometimes you just want to make some cool fanart and XPS/Blender's very, very, very good for that.

Time to get back on that and make sure I have my old Blender 2.78 because 2.8 doesn't seem to have a lot of the plug-ins I'd want/need.  At least not that I know of.

I really need to do an upgrade or something.
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ArtificialFleshling

Back?

1 min read

I might start posting again. I've been in a place where I'm doing some art for myself again after a pretty impressive bit of burning out from life that sucked pretty hard due to a confluence of just nonsense happening all at once. Life's funny like that.


And by "funny" I mostly mean "frustrating in a way that makes me want to scream" but that might be a little too personal than I want to be at the moment.


Please don't send a bunch of DMs or anything like that. I'm not really able to be as active as I was before and unexpected direct contact fills me with a lot of incredibly stupid feelings. I don't really like it, but I gotta know my limits if I want to start having dA fun again.


Hoping everyone's been cool while I've been away. I haven't been able to check in on people like I'd want.


<3

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ArtificialFleshling

Points?

1 min read
Points.
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